Busy, BUSY, busy...

As I have been transitioning into my new position and dealing with the all the fun of the holidays and cycling between schedules and doctor's appointment and classes and planning for all the spectacular surprises that are coming... I realized, I forgot to touch base and wish well and check on the ones that mean the most to me. Also I have severely neglected the laundry and forgot to send out Christmas cards. Christmas is in chaos although it has been fun. The sheer amount of sneaking around trying to hide gifts and surprises has been hilarious.


I start a new schedule tomorrow and need to get in bed. Will be back shortly with more info, fun and pictures!!

LOVES TO ALL!!

Do you have the time?

Seriously. I have had no time and don't see any in my immediate future that isn't scheduled to the last second. This is an exceedilngly frustrating place to be for me. I'm all about planning and what not, but it seems like there is no time to even just make a phone call to anyone. I hate feeling rushed.

No time for even the basics like errands or groceries. Everything has been on the run since my regular work schedule and JM's classes started. Being sick hasn't helped. What started as a sinus infection has turned into laryngitis and a chest cold. I just can't seem to shake it off.

Having stolen a moment to rant, I will go. Not done, but rediculously undone. I'll catch up at some point.




I hope. Blah.... Loves to all, T

A Lazy Day

Well it's official... I'm back to work. It's going well and is working out better than my last attempt at going back to work. The commute to South Austin was not worth the perks and no one would give me a straight answer about the 'open availability' requirement. Why would they ask you to commit to 20 extra hours a week that you couldn't if you are already committing to 40 and them not expect to be able to call that in to use? It would be better (and more honest) to just be up front about it and say that we'll need for you to be on call on your days off. Blah... they can have it.

Anyway... so other than that I have been exceedingly restless about things. We had to say good bye to our house guest, Whipple. Hopefully he was able to recharge and relax after the hurricane. I'm sure that after experiencing the joys of parenting teenagers he was ready to head home. It was nice having him here. As usual he is missed.

Last weekend we got to go see a friend's band play in Fredericksburg. It was a great evening. Fredericksburg is such a pleasant and welcoming little town. I always enjoy visiting there. The venue was so cozy and comfortable. The evening was cool and breezy, no bugs. The opening of the new Pioneer Museum and the Roots Music Festival. Going anywhere in town (we have been trying to get over to Zilker Botanical Gardens for the Dinoland thing) would have been a joke with ACL and the UT game in town so we opted to get away. Good food, good music and a chance to get the kids in on the show. Very different atmosphere than we are used to seeing them in(the band, I mean.), but as usual they stole the show and made lots of new fans. We had a great time. The kids were exhausted and excited that they got to meet 'celebrities'. LOL

This week has been slow and frustrating. Me getting back to work and trying to plan our schedules so that JM can start his EMT certification classes (He started today!!) and planning for the kids' extracurricular activities. I'm so proud of all of them. I'm hoping to find a routine to get into soon as physical therapy is not happening and getting used to my work schedule and JM's schedules for work and school. Those have been the hardest to sync up. We have to find a way to get my car up here. We are going to wind up needing a second vehicle faster than JM thinks. On top of that we are now shopping around for a laptop. I hate it when he finds rational reasons to need things that we just don't need. Again, blah...

I actually heard from T yesterday and the day before. TWO DAYS IN A ROW! Exciting right? Although they were only fractured text messages. It was still good to have some contact after so long. I guess I'm still having withdrawls. After not knowing for so long and then having such easy access to him for a short time and now he's gone... well at least I know how to contact him these days. Being able to reach out now is still a wondrous thing. Cest la vie.

Hopefully I can shake this brain cloud that is building soon. I really want to be able to find my stride before my holiday season begins. As of this coming Tuesday we will have been in our house for a year. I am dearly looking forward to the changing seasons and time spent with family and friends. Not sure how much travelling we will be doing this year as our schedules and gas prices may keep us pretty close to home. We'll see. I have some very high aspirations for this holiday season and not making at least one weekend of faire isn't one of them.

We missed TRF completely last year due to our move. It was sad, but so worth it. We missed Scarby due to my car accident and the subsequent injury. Didn't even realize it but we missed Serendipity, because we forgot. IF you can believe that. The Texas Renaissance Festival is our home fair and will open for this season in 6 days, 18 hours and 30 minutes. (nope I'm not counting down or nothing) Not sure if we'll be able to camp this year (CRYING), but to not go at all is just a heart break. So much fun and mischief and friends. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Well as I have nothing more exciting to contribute this time, I'll wrap this up. Much love to all. Hugs and warm fuzzies to all that need it. Take Care, T

Damn it all, man!!

LOL My husband.... sheesh. Good thing I love him the way I do.



Anyway, good news and bad news.


GOOD NEWS:
I am working again. YAY!!

JM is is enrolled and will begin his EMS Certification soon. YAY!!

K is now enrolled in her college coursework putting her that much closer to her HS diploma and associates at graduation. YAY!!

Z is doing well and making huge progress with school so far. YAY!!

Doodle is thriving and loving his new teacher. YAY!!

My Doc is a new daddy. YAY!

BAD NEWS:

My Doc is a new daddy and therefore could not make my last post op appointment clearing me to get back to my exercise routine and making me have to wait that much longer for clearance and to begin physical therapy.

Certain family members are suffering.

Certain family members are suffering and yet won't help themselves to get out of their current situation.

TOO many people lacking in ethics, honor, moral fiber and/or back bone are still getting away with it.


While anxiety is high and excitement is in the air, I am maintaining and waiting for the changes around the bend. I am keeping ALL involved in my hopes and prayers for the future.

Love to ALL, T

And like that... he's gone.

I don't even have words right now. Thank you A, for keeping things light. Angel, our four-legged friend, will always be welcome in our home. It was nice to have such a sweet soul in the house.


T, be safe, be smart, our doors are open to you anytime day or night. No questions asked. You are loved...


and deeply missed.

What's your pain number?

Howdy howdy howdy!!

Well I'll begin where I left off...


Early morning of surgery.

-Can't sleep. I'll be in a drug induced sleep soon enough. I'll rest then. In the meantime, I have to be quiet so JM can.

So what do I do to kill time until then?
-Worry.
-Thank God. That things are being handled so well and that so many are here to be supportive.
-Watch my youngest while he sleeps and enjoy the sound of his snores.
-Pray.
-Pray for my family. For each of them to know that I am fine and that everything is in good hands.
-Pray that I convince myself that this is indeed true before I come undone in front of them.

What else can I do?

Time comes to get going all too soon. Jm is quiet and funny. I know he is exhausted. Kait is awake and I hug her almost too hard. Sheesh... keep it together woman. I sneak into Zach's room and climb up to him. He meets me at the top of his ladder. Tearful "I love yous" and reassurances that all will be fine. I make him promise to go easy on his sister today and I promise that I will talk with him this afternoon or as soon as I am able, but he will hear from me later today. He has been so strong until now. I sneak back to Jake's room and snuggle him one more time. My angel monkey. So big and yet still so little.

I have to be OK for all of them. This is what needs to happen. This will fix so much of the pain. This will make me stronger. So I can be here for them.

I sit quietly in the truck. Staring out into the darkness and up at the night sky. So many stars. I hear JM's words and I know that he is being supportive but I feel the need for quiet. I feel so small. I love this feeling when I look at where I live and feel only the tiniest part of it. It reminds me that it is indeed real. To hear the animals and creatures in the shadows and smell the moisture on the air the only light is what is found in the world and of course the occasional headlights. These are the things that comfort me most right now. Knowing that all of this is waiting. Knowing that the world is waiting.

When we arrive at the hospital things are as they always are. Quiet and busy. Have you ever noticed that? All urban hospitals are this way I believe. Quiet, yet everything seems to be humming and alive with movement. No Matter what the circumstances are, they are always the same. The bad filter on the waiting room aquarium makes a horrible racket. I want to go and fix it. There are only a handful of us waiting this morning. With our immediate loved one or significant other. Only one cannot hide why he is there. Some type of arm or hand injury. I need to go to the restroom. The closest one is in labor and delivery across the hall. One of my favorite places in the world. A place of hope and renewal. I take care of business and then decide to steal a peek in on the nursery.

There is only one infant in there. I have no idea if the tiny bundle is male or female. I don't care. It is nothing less than a gift. A beautiful, perfect, sleeping miracle. I say a small prayer for it, it's new family, all the other newcomers on their way and their families, the people recovering, grieving, worrying, hoping, healing, working, helping today. On this day (and everyday), be open to the Force that guides, consoles, cares, focuses all of us. We are not alone and that every moment is precious.

On a side note... I've always thought prayers should be articulated in some lofty and rhythmic way. Like poetry. Everyone knows that one person who will pray out loud for a group, at a gathering or has the best way to sum things up at a family function or even just says "Grace" at dinner really well. That's not me. It's aggravating to say the least. I say it plainly, honestly. I wanted to be that person that was just able to open my mouth and say things in a way that sounded like the type of stuff that God would listen to and could possibly evoke a response similar to that of Charlton Heston as Moses in the Ten Commandments. Whatever. Regardless of your religion and without getting off topic, prayer works. So if you are like me and find yourself at a loss for something profound and meaningful to say, remember this... He knows your heart better than you do and understands without explanation. So while my religious philosophies and beliefs may not be exact or like anyone elses, I know that some one is listening and gets me. In all my frustration to get things right and solemn and grown-up, Someone answers my prayers.

Anyway, in tears I return to the waiting room. JM is there and asks, "What?". I tell him that "I peeked at the babies". He smiles and says, "Without me?" We laugh. Damn it all, I love this man. He gets it. He always knows. I say another quick prayer of appreciation and we are asked to attend to our final check in paperwork. Blah blah blah... sign here, initial this, in triplicate. "Thank you for choosing our hospital and good luck." They give me my ID bracelet and ask that I verify all info is correct. It is, I think. My nerves are taking over so I have JM double check for me. He looks so tired and I wish for just a moment that he didn't have to be here, alone. I'm suddenly no longer nervous. I'm scared for him to be alone. I wish someone was here to be strong for him. He wouldn't dream of telling me, but I can see his worry now. I can hear it in his voice. So I do what I do. I laugh. We make jokes. I tell him as much as I can that I love him and that things will be OK. I will be OK. I try very hard to be convincing. For both our sakes.

As usual common sense, tells me I will be fine. Better than fine. This is the road that will put me back to where I need to be. Mobile and pain free. They call all of us in the waiting room almost as a group. I am asked to step to the side as I am actually having surgery and the others are only having 'procedures'. I'm not sure if I feel special or terrified. LOL In any case I am comforted that so far they are not asking JM to wait somewhere. I'm not ready to be wheeled anywhere on my own yet. They nurse escorts us to a hall and asks us to wait while she shows the others where they will be taking care of their needs. JM and I look at each other and make jokes. She returns and leads us to the pre-op room.

It's about as big a large walk in closet. Barely holds the gurney, a table, a chair and the three of us. We all squeeze in, adjusting the furniture as we go so that we may all fit. I see my new outfit laid on the foot of the gurney for me to change into. While this is not my first surgery, it is certainly the one that I have been most frightened of. I try to remember to keep my breathing even. I don't want to panic. JM is cracking jokes the whole time to keep me (and the nurses) laughing. People keep poking their heads in and asking questions and introducing themselves. "Yes, I understand what we are doing today, I can indeed tell you step by step what is going to happen today, I have all the appropriate paperwork on file and no, I do not have any extra questions for you".

JM gets to help change into my surgical gown, hairnet, stockings and booties. He does the stripper music in the bathroom while I'm trying to change and acts like he's going to get naked too. I can't stop laughing. Thank you again for putting this dork in my life. I can't imagine what the nurse is hearing or thinking for that matter. At this point I don't care. I need his humor right now. We come back into the room and the nurse hooks up a hose ( like those from and old fashioned hairdryer that connects over your hairdo via what looks like a shower cap) to my gown and it starts blowing warm air in. Weird, but very comfy. So there I am in bed with this thing blowing warm air into my gown, feeling more exposed than scared. There are now several people in the room. Well in the doorway anyway. Anesthesia, IOM, and another member of the surgical team. All asking the same questions. " Yes I understand and no I don't have any other questions."

Finally Dr. R shows up. Introductions for him and JM. A brief Q&A between the two and lots of reassurances. What has been two and a half hours has passed since our arrival and now a woman comes in and says that JM has to wait. "I need a couple more minutes with him." "Sorry it's now or never." We share a quick kiss and hug, then he's gone.

I can't help it anymore, I'm crying.

I don't want this. I don't want to be alone with these people. I don't want Dr. R cutting into me. I can't breathe. I have to calm down. I can't fall apart in front to them. All of my insecurities about this operation are standing on top of my chest like one huge old bull elephant. I go to wipe my tears away and I can smell JM on my hands. It helps but I cry harder. Then they all start talking around me in urgent tones about how some drip should have been started thirty minutes ago and that the doctor should have ordered it. I was starting to calm down. Then someone behind me makes the decision to start the drip (antibiotics, I think.) and urges everyone else to shut up and get their game faces on. Well thank God you showed up, honey because I was really starting to doubt things. Sheesh!

I get wheeled into the operating suite. Which feels like it is located in the back of a catacomb somewhere in the bowels of the hospital. It's not as stark and clinical as some others I have been in, but it is definitely all business. Lights, table, machines and monitors, portable x-ray and CT scanner. All the whistles and bells. They transfer me to the operating table and I look around some more. I see the woman that will be monitoring the operation, the anesthesiologist, the surgical nurses and assistants, the friendly older nurse that held my hand when JM had to wait behind, and then...

I woke up.

Not like in a horror movie during the operation or anything. I was in the recovery ward. I couldn't really focus or see much of anything. Lights, colors, shapes mostly. I couldn't really move and I was a bit chilly. I could hear other people around me and machines moving. So I called out and waved my hand, "Hello?". A woman came to my side almost immediately and started talking to me and asking questions. The surgery was over and it had gone very well. I was OK. I was frustrated that I couldn't see straight enough to make out anything more than her basic shape and hair color, but I was OK. She urged me to rest and assured me that I was in good hands. I asked if I could see JM and again she said that things were fine that I would see him soon enough.

::sigh::

He needed to know that I was OK. I know they were going to update him on my progress and if something happened, but he needed to hear it from me. I needed him to hear it from me. And that was it, it was over and within forty minutes of waking up I was in my own room. Meeting the first of the three nurses that would care for me during my brief stay.

And JM, my love, my friend.

He was there. He knew I was OK. He held my hand and smiled his smile and I really was OK. And even after having had my four hour nap via some really great drugs, I was finally ready to sleep. (Not that I would get to while I was at the hospital.) Later that day I was visited by my earth bound angels, Miss Mouse, G, my Tom and my beasties. Tom was kind enough to grab the kids and bring them to the hospital to see me. Everyone was happy, joking and smiling, but visibly concerned. The kids were great and got in on the jokes almost immediately. Kait gets props for calling me her "PEZ dispenser". Zach (AKA Rooster Boy) created some memorable moments with the rubber gloves. Jake was scared, but you can only explain so much to a toddler. He did finally, quietly and very carefully give me a hug before they left. I have the best family.

Now that that is finished. I started this post almost three weeks ago. Right after I had returned home from this mess. So it's a bit out of order. I may have included too much information or perhaps not enough. Again I post this for me as a reminder. Things are only getting better. I am doing so much better than I had anticipated or hoped. Good reports from the doc. FINALLY got my bone stim today. So far so good. Almost weened off the meds. Although I'll be nervous when they run out as I'm not sure how my body will process without them. I'm still not as mobile as I'd like. Mostly due to cabin fever, the fact that I still can't drive myself anywhere and the fact that we live so far away from everything. My momma came and stayed with us for a weekend to help out. As usual, it was not a long enough visit.

JM is doing everything he can to keep me entertained and off my feet so that I can heal. He really is a blessing. He gets up everyday, works out in virtual silence, showers, gets ready for work, eats, makes his lunch, wakes up the baby, gets him ready to go, feeds him and then gets the baby to daycare and himself to work. Gets off work, picks up the baby, runs errands/ gets groceries, comes home, fixes dinner (although I have been helping or cooking with help from the kids more), hangs out with the kids or relaxes, bathes the baby, gets him into bed, helps me do what I need to do, gets me into bed and then attends to his stuffs, before getting into bed himself. He stays positive and supportive and has been putting up with an assload of negativity from outside sources. Everyday. Without fail. It has been hard to let him take charge of so much. I am picking up my usual duties more everyday, but he still is there with a smile. I'll be so happy when I can get back to our regular routine and I can get back to work. If nothing else just to end the ugliness that has been in the shadows since this started.

That is a post for another day however.

For now I end this knowing that things could always be worse, but for me no matter what...

I am blessed.

I'm not myself today...

Perhaps I'll be me another day.

Sorry, feeling a little out of sorts. I have neglected this a bit. I have some many more happy things to share, but right now I really need to get this one thing off of my chest.

Many things have changed in the last 24 hours. I received a couple of phone calls yesterday. Do to a lingering injury to my neck from my accident in December I am going in for surgery. Do to my need for a light duty set up at work I was let go from my job that I love so much, they do not have anything light duty. Surgical date is set for June 11th at 7:15 am. I will be having a double ACDF or Anterior Cervical Discectomy and Fusion with anterior internal instrumentation. What does this mean? A surgeon is going to remove 2 discs from my neck, fuse 3 vertebrae together sealing the deal with a titanium plate via a 3 inch incision in the front of my neck.

I was stupid enough to go looking on the internet today for a video of this operation. I am a firm believe that knowledge is not only power but also empowering. So with the sincere hopes of bolstering myself and relieving some anxiety, I watched this horrendous thing. OK... so now I don't know how to feel. I am scared, but I was OK before I watched that damned thing. It was fine when they were showing graphs and charts and an intelligent sounding man was explaining the case history of Patient X. Same situation as me. Same procedure. Even the same discs and everything.

I was OK when they started cutting. I think the retractors are what did me in. This evil looking metal device that they place into that smallish incision and forced all that delicate tissue around with. It was awful. I have a pretty healthy constitution and can handle almost anything. But knowing that this is in my immediate future freaked me out. I panicked. I couldn't catch my breath. My chest hurt. I began to sob. I'm an idiot.

Again thinking that knowing exactly what was going to happen would lessen my fears. I gave myself a panic attack.

So now I've had some time to calm down and think about things only to come to the decision that I'm still way freaked out, but there's nothing I can do about it. This is what needs to happen. I have an excellent doctor. The guy that works on the Astros & RR Express. I'm going to be in a brand new hospital. State of the art and low chance of contamination infection. Family and friends are already making plans on how to take care of me. And a great rep from a great agency finding me a new "desk" job. So all in all, I guess I'm OK.


In the meantime... sleep. Updates to be posted as they are needed or I am able.

To Do Lists

You know I have been in the worst funk lately. (see last post) However, I can't stand myself I'm so excited. Today is going to be so busy and exciting and nervewracking and overwhelming and... well I could go on. Besides my frustration on the job front and the previously mentioned cloud of gloom that has been trailing me lately, I get a huge gift of heart and love.

My home will be overflowing with my very favorite people in the whole world.
-> How cool is that?

My Tom, Miss Mouse, her hubby, their beautiful Bug and Her Bestest, will be gracing us with their company this evening. It's so awesome. I am going to be flying around today getting ready and have several to do lists. My Tom will be assisting with special acquistions and other goodies. Which means I get extra one on one time with him. YAY!!

My Doodle was so very thrilled when he heard that his buddy Bug would be here and then got upset because she wasn't going to his school with him. We hugged and giggled and I reassured him that he would see her today after school. He was still a little sad, but happy and singing about seeing her later as he got into the truck to leave. Kait and Zach are excited as well. They are really looking forward to Miss Mouse and her hubby's brillant sense of humor and getting to know Miss Mouse's Bestest.

This is shorter than I usually post, but I have so very much to do still and will have more to share after the fact. To those that can't be here, you are loved and missed and will be here in our hearts.


So as I open my windows and start my chores... I notice the song birds are back and a family of ducks has taken up residence on the stock pond.


Damn... it's gonna be a good day.

Rain, rain go away...

I have been emotionally happy dancing in appreciation for all the amazing gifts that have come into my life for a while now. While I am still completely appreciative for these gifts and amazed by my own ability to heal, I am feeling that sinking feeling for the first time in a while. Not really sure why or really what sparked it.

For those that are not aware, I am manic depressive.

Yes, I understand the nature of what is happening to me physiologically and I know that for a number of reasons my chemistry is off kilter. For my purposes, right now it is not the actual breakdown of the disorder that I am concerned with. If you are not familiar with manic depression, google it. Not sound cold or rude, but this is for my purposes and right now I'm feeling a little anti.

Anyway, I'm never really sure what triggers it. However, I can definitely tell when it's fixing to bite me in the behind. Perhaps it is knowing that people close to me are in suffering or that I am suddenly (again) wickedly, self aware of my ever changing body or that I am desperately missing a certain person that means the world to my girl or perhaps it is simply just this funky weather.

Common sense tells me I am fine. I have awesome things working in my life. My friends will heal and I will be able to cry and celebrate with them when the time comes. My body is weird and the progressive weight loss (more on that later) will make it more so before I am comfortable in my own skin again. My sweet girl, will see her 'sister' soon and we will all laugh again. The rain will pass, the sun will shine and all will be right with the world. Right? "Well of course, you great ninny." I tell myself.

So in the meantime... I will hold the hands of the people I love. Just to be sure of them. I will cry. For no apparent reason. I will hope and pray. Because late at night (well anytime really), it makes me feel better nowing that Someone is there talking me down. I will be quiet. Sometimes just remembering how to be still, brings me peace.

Normally I wouldn't post this. To me it seems to be like I am fishing for comfort or unwarranted sympathy. I really do not like the feeling that I am some kind of emotional train wreck or that I am burdening others with my nonsense. I do it now as a reminder to myself that I am OK. This little spell hit fast and out of the blue. This, like so many other things, will also pass.

There are a million little things that are testing me right now and in order to keep things on track, I just have to remember what is important. Everything else will be sorted out, with or without, my intervention or two cents. So at the moment, while I may seem scatter brained or forgetful; please know you are loved, I am still here and things happen for a reason.

And most importantly... be patient.

Boys are dumb...

OK keep in mind that I will be the first to stand up and say that some of the most intelligent and indeed some of the smartest people I know are of the male persuasion.

That being said, let's face it... boys are dumb.

We had a house guest over the weekend. One of our dearest friends, Whip. We had been looking forward to his first visit and will look forward to future ones as he is a much loved member of our "throwed" family. However, when my boys get together it can be a dangerous combination. The silliness abounds, the testosterone flows and I just have to sit back, laugh and take everything with a grain of salt. Being gun and hiking enthusiasts, he and the hubby went shooting and geocaching. We introduced him another dear friend, my Tom and all went into town to enjoy some good music (yet another friend's band played at Fado') and laughs over a couple of pints. While we were at work, he went out exploring his childhood memories of central Texas and the hill country. It was nice to be able to share our new home with such a great friend. It was definitely sad to see him go.



My point to all of this... I have had to bite my tongue all weekend about certain things that had our situation been different probably would not have stung as bad. The hubby and I are struggling. Mostly due to the common stresses of life, but it has put us in a very dark place. I won't go into anything specific as this is a public forum and while I am venting some very personal things, it's simply not anyone else's business. I love my husband very much and I do not question his affection for me. However you can only turn the other cheek some many times, to careless comments and actions. Especially piled on top of an already hurt heart. His excuse/apology is standard and constant, "I didn't mean to and would never hurt you for any reason." Doesn't change the fact that you did.



Let me clarify a couple of points. My husband has never laid a violent hand on me. He is not abusive to me or anyone else. He works hard and is an excellent provider. Most importantly he has grown into an amazing dad. However he is young and impulsive and occasionally careless with other's feelings. When it comes to me, I try to look past it most times. I know that he doesn't mean it the way that it came out, but recently it has just been too much.



Tonight we have arranged to have a quiet talk to sort out our issues and hopefully resolve them. I am optimistic for a positive outcome or at least some time to be able to express myself without catering to anyone else. Who knows maybe hanging out with his friend shook some of the cobwebs out of his thought processes and he'll be able to listen with an open mind.

Wish me luck.