To Do Lists

You know I have been in the worst funk lately. (see last post) However, I can't stand myself I'm so excited. Today is going to be so busy and exciting and nervewracking and overwhelming and... well I could go on. Besides my frustration on the job front and the previously mentioned cloud of gloom that has been trailing me lately, I get a huge gift of heart and love.

My home will be overflowing with my very favorite people in the whole world.
-> How cool is that?

My Tom, Miss Mouse, her hubby, their beautiful Bug and Her Bestest, will be gracing us with their company this evening. It's so awesome. I am going to be flying around today getting ready and have several to do lists. My Tom will be assisting with special acquistions and other goodies. Which means I get extra one on one time with him. YAY!!

My Doodle was so very thrilled when he heard that his buddy Bug would be here and then got upset because she wasn't going to his school with him. We hugged and giggled and I reassured him that he would see her today after school. He was still a little sad, but happy and singing about seeing her later as he got into the truck to leave. Kait and Zach are excited as well. They are really looking forward to Miss Mouse and her hubby's brillant sense of humor and getting to know Miss Mouse's Bestest.

This is shorter than I usually post, but I have so very much to do still and will have more to share after the fact. To those that can't be here, you are loved and missed and will be here in our hearts.


So as I open my windows and start my chores... I notice the song birds are back and a family of ducks has taken up residence on the stock pond.


Damn... it's gonna be a good day.

You wanna know how I really feel?

As I sit here, trying to sort things out, I realize that there are things that simply can't be avoided. I am a avid procrastinator and for the most part I try to be an ethical and decent person. I have lived my life in the open and I have no regrets for the choices that I have made. The facts of my life are sometimes sad and disturbing, but for the most part there isn't one thing that I would change. I am grateful and content that I am where I am in my life. I have my health and for the most part my sanity. I have three healthy and wonderful children. I have the companionship, friendship and love of a decent man. I am finally back where I have longed to be geographically, spiritually, mentally. The best part of all this, is that I have had the opportunity to enjoy, share and really appreciate my blessings without fear or apprehension. I have made the determined choice to revel in my moments and seek out the positive things that give me the strength to tackle my obstacles.

The last year has been extremely difficult, and due to those issues we made some very hasty, but needed changes in our lives. In doing so it has grounded us as a family. We have learned to laugh and trust more. So while there are very real problems that still lie ahead, for the first time in a long time we are taking things as a team and standing together as a family. My struggling marriage is growing again. I'm getting the chance to enjoy my husband as a friend again. For a long time it felt as if we were some kind of weird business partners or something trying to save a failing company. With the quiet passing of our anniversary, I feel like we have really accomplished something. Raising our children by our standards and values and growing together as parents, as individuals and most importantly as friends.

I find myself taking issue with everything and nothing. I am finding an odd sense of apathy growing from within that is really eating at me. Perhaps it's PMS, my MD or the fact that so much is going on with the holidays and family that this post alone has taken me almost two weeks to write this post. I had so many things to share and get off my chest that it has kind of piled up emotionally and now I have no where to start. It's OK though. I'm better than I have been in many years and while this holiday season has been really wonky at best, the dark clouds that usually hover around me at this time of year are sitting on the horizon. Still waiting to engulf me at any moment, but not threatening to swallow me whole.

I will end this haphazzard post having shared nothing, yet conveying everything I really needed to say. I wish for peace to be with you and yours. To whomever it applies, you are loved beyond measure and will always be in my thoughts, hopes and prayers for the future.

OK... So I caved into the pressure.

God help me... I'm a registered blogger. LoL

DISCLAIMER: Let me start by saying that I keep a personal journal offline. I enjoy journaling as it has been a path of healing and self expression that has been invaluable to my retaining anything close to a sense of sanity and/or general sense of well being. Anything posted here is strictly mine and most of the names and personal info has been slightly altered to protect those that still value their privacy or are too young to really understand what that means. While I appreciate any and all comments, please keep anything malicous to yourself, as I will only delete it. To all of the PC, arm chair English teachers, please understand I am aware that my computer has spellcheck and there are online thesaurus' and dictionarys. I write as I speak, so whether or not it is grammatically correct, politically correct, rambling, run-on or otherwise is only as important as the point I am trying to make or the story I am sharing.

OK... So we celebrated mine and my youngest child's 3rd birthday this weekend. We had family come in from out of town. My Momma, baby brother, Ian, and my oldest child's best friend, Jessica. We did not have near the amount of time with any of them that I would have liked. Truthfully it could never be enough time, but this just felt like a hit and run. Almost exactly 24 hours from start to finish. It was nice having them here. I have really missed having Jessica around the house. She is one of the most amazing kids I know, outside of my own. One of my very favorite people under the age of 20.

Anyway, right before they left today we were loading their stuff into Momma's Explorer, we noticed that there was an unusual amount of ladybugs... everywhere. Just swarms of them just flying around and crawling on everything. I have come to learn that they swarm twice a year. They are attracted to light colors and warmth. Our home is a pale blue with a darker shade of light blue trim and receives near full afternoon sun. So the two southwest facing sides of our house are covered in ladybugs.

A quick ladybug education. Yes, we are talking about the little red and black insects. They do not bite or sting. They are harmless. They are only toxic to things that would eat them. They don't eat your plants, clothing, fabric, paper or food. They don't carry any parasites and the only thing they excrete is their own blood, which is a defense mechanism and the way they put their pheromones out into the world to attract a mate. In fact, the only things they really do is help with pollination and eat the things that would eat your plants. Their only food source are aphids. A completely beneficial bug. So taking all this into consideration, while I think they are neat it's really starting to creep me out having them all over the place. The worst is combing them out of your hair. LoL

Anyway, we did have a nice visit. Way too short, but a good time. Momma took me shopping for my birthday. We hit some great sales. The girls, Kait and Jess, pulled an all nighter as usual to get the most out of their time together. Ian was as he always is. Humorous when he does speak and quiet the rest of the time. He spent most of his time playing on the Wii with Zach.

On a side note--> We have officially been in our house now for 8 weeks. It has been so different and special being here. Since moving here from southeast Houston, it has been like having a weight lifted off of my chest. The events that brought us to our move and to this place have been... well there just aren't words. While it was so unplanned and out of control, it was still very right. We were scared and unsure of everything and yet at every turn whatever obstacle was in our path, the solution presented itself almost immediately. I have wanted to move, more specifically move back to the hill country, for a very long time. For whatever the reasons it hasn't been possible until now. I'm so unbelievably appreciative to be here now at this point in my life. With my children and husband.

I shared this with a friend recently, this is the first time in my life where I am really getting the chance to appreciate the blessings in my life. It used to be that my pessimism would take over right about now and I would be waiting for the next trauma to hit. Slowly devolving into the downward spiral of one of my lows. Manic depression is a bitch. So while things aren't always going to be ideal, I'm dealing with it very well right now. I can't wait for Christmas to get here!!

Most people think of New Year's as the time for renewal and reflection in their lives. Out with the old and in with the new. For me it really is the whole holiday season. The time spent with family and friends, honoring old and making new traditions. The whole thing. This whole year has been both misery and bliss. I'm thankful that I have this new chapter in my life and it begins with so many happy blessings and extraordinary gifts and that the people in my life and those that have come back into my life are here to share them with me.

I can not stress this enough... it is good to be home.