Rain, rain go away...

I have been emotionally happy dancing in appreciation for all the amazing gifts that have come into my life for a while now. While I am still completely appreciative for these gifts and amazed by my own ability to heal, I am feeling that sinking feeling for the first time in a while. Not really sure why or really what sparked it.

For those that are not aware, I am manic depressive.

Yes, I understand the nature of what is happening to me physiologically and I know that for a number of reasons my chemistry is off kilter. For my purposes, right now it is not the actual breakdown of the disorder that I am concerned with. If you are not familiar with manic depression, google it. Not sound cold or rude, but this is for my purposes and right now I'm feeling a little anti.

Anyway, I'm never really sure what triggers it. However, I can definitely tell when it's fixing to bite me in the behind. Perhaps it is knowing that people close to me are in suffering or that I am suddenly (again) wickedly, self aware of my ever changing body or that I am desperately missing a certain person that means the world to my girl or perhaps it is simply just this funky weather.

Common sense tells me I am fine. I have awesome things working in my life. My friends will heal and I will be able to cry and celebrate with them when the time comes. My body is weird and the progressive weight loss (more on that later) will make it more so before I am comfortable in my own skin again. My sweet girl, will see her 'sister' soon and we will all laugh again. The rain will pass, the sun will shine and all will be right with the world. Right? "Well of course, you great ninny." I tell myself.

So in the meantime... I will hold the hands of the people I love. Just to be sure of them. I will cry. For no apparent reason. I will hope and pray. Because late at night (well anytime really), it makes me feel better nowing that Someone is there talking me down. I will be quiet. Sometimes just remembering how to be still, brings me peace.

Normally I wouldn't post this. To me it seems to be like I am fishing for comfort or unwarranted sympathy. I really do not like the feeling that I am some kind of emotional train wreck or that I am burdening others with my nonsense. I do it now as a reminder to myself that I am OK. This little spell hit fast and out of the blue. This, like so many other things, will also pass.

There are a million little things that are testing me right now and in order to keep things on track, I just have to remember what is important. Everything else will be sorted out, with or without, my intervention or two cents. So at the moment, while I may seem scatter brained or forgetful; please know you are loved, I am still here and things happen for a reason.

And most importantly... be patient.