To Do Lists

You know I have been in the worst funk lately. (see last post) However, I can't stand myself I'm so excited. Today is going to be so busy and exciting and nervewracking and overwhelming and... well I could go on. Besides my frustration on the job front and the previously mentioned cloud of gloom that has been trailing me lately, I get a huge gift of heart and love.

My home will be overflowing with my very favorite people in the whole world.
-> How cool is that?

My Tom, Miss Mouse, her hubby, their beautiful Bug and Her Bestest, will be gracing us with their company this evening. It's so awesome. I am going to be flying around today getting ready and have several to do lists. My Tom will be assisting with special acquistions and other goodies. Which means I get extra one on one time with him. YAY!!

My Doodle was so very thrilled when he heard that his buddy Bug would be here and then got upset because she wasn't going to his school with him. We hugged and giggled and I reassured him that he would see her today after school. He was still a little sad, but happy and singing about seeing her later as he got into the truck to leave. Kait and Zach are excited as well. They are really looking forward to Miss Mouse and her hubby's brillant sense of humor and getting to know Miss Mouse's Bestest.

This is shorter than I usually post, but I have so very much to do still and will have more to share after the fact. To those that can't be here, you are loved and missed and will be here in our hearts.


So as I open my windows and start my chores... I notice the song birds are back and a family of ducks has taken up residence on the stock pond.


Damn... it's gonna be a good day.

Rain, rain go away...

I have been emotionally happy dancing in appreciation for all the amazing gifts that have come into my life for a while now. While I am still completely appreciative for these gifts and amazed by my own ability to heal, I am feeling that sinking feeling for the first time in a while. Not really sure why or really what sparked it.

For those that are not aware, I am manic depressive.

Yes, I understand the nature of what is happening to me physiologically and I know that for a number of reasons my chemistry is off kilter. For my purposes, right now it is not the actual breakdown of the disorder that I am concerned with. If you are not familiar with manic depression, google it. Not sound cold or rude, but this is for my purposes and right now I'm feeling a little anti.

Anyway, I'm never really sure what triggers it. However, I can definitely tell when it's fixing to bite me in the behind. Perhaps it is knowing that people close to me are in suffering or that I am suddenly (again) wickedly, self aware of my ever changing body or that I am desperately missing a certain person that means the world to my girl or perhaps it is simply just this funky weather.

Common sense tells me I am fine. I have awesome things working in my life. My friends will heal and I will be able to cry and celebrate with them when the time comes. My body is weird and the progressive weight loss (more on that later) will make it more so before I am comfortable in my own skin again. My sweet girl, will see her 'sister' soon and we will all laugh again. The rain will pass, the sun will shine and all will be right with the world. Right? "Well of course, you great ninny." I tell myself.

So in the meantime... I will hold the hands of the people I love. Just to be sure of them. I will cry. For no apparent reason. I will hope and pray. Because late at night (well anytime really), it makes me feel better nowing that Someone is there talking me down. I will be quiet. Sometimes just remembering how to be still, brings me peace.

Normally I wouldn't post this. To me it seems to be like I am fishing for comfort or unwarranted sympathy. I really do not like the feeling that I am some kind of emotional train wreck or that I am burdening others with my nonsense. I do it now as a reminder to myself that I am OK. This little spell hit fast and out of the blue. This, like so many other things, will also pass.

There are a million little things that are testing me right now and in order to keep things on track, I just have to remember what is important. Everything else will be sorted out, with or without, my intervention or two cents. So at the moment, while I may seem scatter brained or forgetful; please know you are loved, I am still here and things happen for a reason.

And most importantly... be patient.

Boys are dumb...

OK keep in mind that I will be the first to stand up and say that some of the most intelligent and indeed some of the smartest people I know are of the male persuasion.

That being said, let's face it... boys are dumb.

We had a house guest over the weekend. One of our dearest friends, Whip. We had been looking forward to his first visit and will look forward to future ones as he is a much loved member of our "throwed" family. However, when my boys get together it can be a dangerous combination. The silliness abounds, the testosterone flows and I just have to sit back, laugh and take everything with a grain of salt. Being gun and hiking enthusiasts, he and the hubby went shooting and geocaching. We introduced him another dear friend, my Tom and all went into town to enjoy some good music (yet another friend's band played at Fado') and laughs over a couple of pints. While we were at work, he went out exploring his childhood memories of central Texas and the hill country. It was nice to be able to share our new home with such a great friend. It was definitely sad to see him go.



My point to all of this... I have had to bite my tongue all weekend about certain things that had our situation been different probably would not have stung as bad. The hubby and I are struggling. Mostly due to the common stresses of life, but it has put us in a very dark place. I won't go into anything specific as this is a public forum and while I am venting some very personal things, it's simply not anyone else's business. I love my husband very much and I do not question his affection for me. However you can only turn the other cheek some many times, to careless comments and actions. Especially piled on top of an already hurt heart. His excuse/apology is standard and constant, "I didn't mean to and would never hurt you for any reason." Doesn't change the fact that you did.



Let me clarify a couple of points. My husband has never laid a violent hand on me. He is not abusive to me or anyone else. He works hard and is an excellent provider. Most importantly he has grown into an amazing dad. However he is young and impulsive and occasionally careless with other's feelings. When it comes to me, I try to look past it most times. I know that he doesn't mean it the way that it came out, but recently it has just been too much.



Tonight we have arranged to have a quiet talk to sort out our issues and hopefully resolve them. I am optimistic for a positive outcome or at least some time to be able to express myself without catering to anyone else. Who knows maybe hanging out with his friend shook some of the cobwebs out of his thought processes and he'll be able to listen with an open mind.

Wish me luck.

You wanna know how I really feel?

As I sit here, trying to sort things out, I realize that there are things that simply can't be avoided. I am a avid procrastinator and for the most part I try to be an ethical and decent person. I have lived my life in the open and I have no regrets for the choices that I have made. The facts of my life are sometimes sad and disturbing, but for the most part there isn't one thing that I would change. I am grateful and content that I am where I am in my life. I have my health and for the most part my sanity. I have three healthy and wonderful children. I have the companionship, friendship and love of a decent man. I am finally back where I have longed to be geographically, spiritually, mentally. The best part of all this, is that I have had the opportunity to enjoy, share and really appreciate my blessings without fear or apprehension. I have made the determined choice to revel in my moments and seek out the positive things that give me the strength to tackle my obstacles.

The last year has been extremely difficult, and due to those issues we made some very hasty, but needed changes in our lives. In doing so it has grounded us as a family. We have learned to laugh and trust more. So while there are very real problems that still lie ahead, for the first time in a long time we are taking things as a team and standing together as a family. My struggling marriage is growing again. I'm getting the chance to enjoy my husband as a friend again. For a long time it felt as if we were some kind of weird business partners or something trying to save a failing company. With the quiet passing of our anniversary, I feel like we have really accomplished something. Raising our children by our standards and values and growing together as parents, as individuals and most importantly as friends.

I find myself taking issue with everything and nothing. I am finding an odd sense of apathy growing from within that is really eating at me. Perhaps it's PMS, my MD or the fact that so much is going on with the holidays and family that this post alone has taken me almost two weeks to write this post. I had so many things to share and get off my chest that it has kind of piled up emotionally and now I have no where to start. It's OK though. I'm better than I have been in many years and while this holiday season has been really wonky at best, the dark clouds that usually hover around me at this time of year are sitting on the horizon. Still waiting to engulf me at any moment, but not threatening to swallow me whole.

I will end this haphazzard post having shared nothing, yet conveying everything I really needed to say. I wish for peace to be with you and yours. To whomever it applies, you are loved beyond measure and will always be in my thoughts, hopes and prayers for the future.

I AM SO HARDCORE... sniffle

Let me start this little diatribe with a few thank yous. Thank you God, thank you to the 3 strangers that I may never see again for your help and support and even the hug while I cried, thank you to the people who at least stopped and asked if I needed anything, thank you Wally for coming to the rescue (AGAIN), thank you to the 911 dispatcher that checked on me, thank you to the officer that responded with kindness and patience, thank you Momma, thank you Mike, Bernard and everyone at work for your understanding, thank you to 'Alex' the wrecker driver for not financially raking me over the coals and thank you Tom Tom for making time for me. Thank you all for helping me get through this morning, by sharing your strength and support helping me get through a truly horrific experience and helping me remember that no matter how bad it gets a sense of humor is crucial. Most of all, thank you all for making sure that I could get home to my kids and to my husband.

I have been trying to get back in here and blog for several days now. Well now that I am, this morning's events have superseded anything that I had originally wanted to share. I'll get back to that in a while. For now... I'm happy yet again that I where I am. SO many people that seemed to pop up out of no where to help out someone in need. It's been a long time since I have seen so many go out of their way without expectation or due to obligation.

I was in a fairly serious car accident this morning on my way to work. I was less than 2 blocks from my place of business, when while changing lanes preparing to turn into the parking lot I hit a wet spot in the road and lost control of my vehicle. I wasn't speeding. I wasn't on my cell or distracted or anything. The road was slick and my tires didn't have as much tread as they should have.

At approximately 38 MPH I signalled for a lane change, attempted to make the change and went into a spin. I let off the accelerator and did not attempt to hit the brakes. I attempted to ride out the spin hoping not to hit anyone and come to a stop, right my vehicle and continue on to the parking lot where I would sit for a bit and cry before heading into work. As the spin slowed, I went to correct my heading as I was now facing the wrong way into oncoming traffic, but I had begun to slide. I slid back across traffic, bounced up onto the curb, hit a fire hydrant forcing the driver's side door into my lap and shattering the window. The hydrant was uprooted and drug under the car and when the car did come to an abrupt stop, thanks to the help of a street light pole, I was wedged in the car between the hydrant and the light post. Thanks again to God that, for whatever the reason, the water supply to the hydrant was turned off.

My leg was pinned between the seat and the car door. The three strangers that came to my rescue and pried me out of the car. One was even kind enough to remind me how to use my cell phone and hugged me while I cried. She even waited with me until the police arrived and made sure that I was taken care of before she left. The car is toast. I called work and one of my supervisors came and helped me out. I did go into work very briefly to wait for my FIL to pick me up and to tie up some loose ends. On a good note, switching to the little gecko's insurance was not only cheaper but they are covering everything. The rest of the story is just a series of events that are bothersome and oddly enough funny, but most likely only to me.

Anyway, as we approach the end of this day. I find myself damn near exhausted, very sore and again overwhelmingly appreciative for the blessings in my life. I am spending tomorrow afternoon with some one that I have not seen in a little over 15 years. We are supposed to be involved with a 5k fun run kind of thing. I am fretful now more than ever of my physical ability to keep up. However if it really came down to it, I'd do this thing with broken glass in my sneakers just to have that time with her again. So now all I have to do is reassure the hubby that I'm OK. This should be an interesting evening.

Well I'm about tapped out, so until next time. G'night


--> Will post pics of the car later.

OK... So I caved into the pressure.

God help me... I'm a registered blogger. LoL

DISCLAIMER: Let me start by saying that I keep a personal journal offline. I enjoy journaling as it has been a path of healing and self expression that has been invaluable to my retaining anything close to a sense of sanity and/or general sense of well being. Anything posted here is strictly mine and most of the names and personal info has been slightly altered to protect those that still value their privacy or are too young to really understand what that means. While I appreciate any and all comments, please keep anything malicous to yourself, as I will only delete it. To all of the PC, arm chair English teachers, please understand I am aware that my computer has spellcheck and there are online thesaurus' and dictionarys. I write as I speak, so whether or not it is grammatically correct, politically correct, rambling, run-on or otherwise is only as important as the point I am trying to make or the story I am sharing.

OK... So we celebrated mine and my youngest child's 3rd birthday this weekend. We had family come in from out of town. My Momma, baby brother, Ian, and my oldest child's best friend, Jessica. We did not have near the amount of time with any of them that I would have liked. Truthfully it could never be enough time, but this just felt like a hit and run. Almost exactly 24 hours from start to finish. It was nice having them here. I have really missed having Jessica around the house. She is one of the most amazing kids I know, outside of my own. One of my very favorite people under the age of 20.

Anyway, right before they left today we were loading their stuff into Momma's Explorer, we noticed that there was an unusual amount of ladybugs... everywhere. Just swarms of them just flying around and crawling on everything. I have come to learn that they swarm twice a year. They are attracted to light colors and warmth. Our home is a pale blue with a darker shade of light blue trim and receives near full afternoon sun. So the two southwest facing sides of our house are covered in ladybugs.

A quick ladybug education. Yes, we are talking about the little red and black insects. They do not bite or sting. They are harmless. They are only toxic to things that would eat them. They don't eat your plants, clothing, fabric, paper or food. They don't carry any parasites and the only thing they excrete is their own blood, which is a defense mechanism and the way they put their pheromones out into the world to attract a mate. In fact, the only things they really do is help with pollination and eat the things that would eat your plants. Their only food source are aphids. A completely beneficial bug. So taking all this into consideration, while I think they are neat it's really starting to creep me out having them all over the place. The worst is combing them out of your hair. LoL

Anyway, we did have a nice visit. Way too short, but a good time. Momma took me shopping for my birthday. We hit some great sales. The girls, Kait and Jess, pulled an all nighter as usual to get the most out of their time together. Ian was as he always is. Humorous when he does speak and quiet the rest of the time. He spent most of his time playing on the Wii with Zach.

On a side note--> We have officially been in our house now for 8 weeks. It has been so different and special being here. Since moving here from southeast Houston, it has been like having a weight lifted off of my chest. The events that brought us to our move and to this place have been... well there just aren't words. While it was so unplanned and out of control, it was still very right. We were scared and unsure of everything and yet at every turn whatever obstacle was in our path, the solution presented itself almost immediately. I have wanted to move, more specifically move back to the hill country, for a very long time. For whatever the reasons it hasn't been possible until now. I'm so unbelievably appreciative to be here now at this point in my life. With my children and husband.

I shared this with a friend recently, this is the first time in my life where I am really getting the chance to appreciate the blessings in my life. It used to be that my pessimism would take over right about now and I would be waiting for the next trauma to hit. Slowly devolving into the downward spiral of one of my lows. Manic depression is a bitch. So while things aren't always going to be ideal, I'm dealing with it very well right now. I can't wait for Christmas to get here!!

Most people think of New Year's as the time for renewal and reflection in their lives. Out with the old and in with the new. For me it really is the whole holiday season. The time spent with family and friends, honoring old and making new traditions. The whole thing. This whole year has been both misery and bliss. I'm thankful that I have this new chapter in my life and it begins with so many happy blessings and extraordinary gifts and that the people in my life and those that have come back into my life are here to share them with me.

I can not stress this enough... it is good to be home.