You wanna know how I really feel?

As I sit here, trying to sort things out, I realize that there are things that simply can't be avoided. I am a avid procrastinator and for the most part I try to be an ethical and decent person. I have lived my life in the open and I have no regrets for the choices that I have made. The facts of my life are sometimes sad and disturbing, but for the most part there isn't one thing that I would change. I am grateful and content that I am where I am in my life. I have my health and for the most part my sanity. I have three healthy and wonderful children. I have the companionship, friendship and love of a decent man. I am finally back where I have longed to be geographically, spiritually, mentally. The best part of all this, is that I have had the opportunity to enjoy, share and really appreciate my blessings without fear or apprehension. I have made the determined choice to revel in my moments and seek out the positive things that give me the strength to tackle my obstacles.

The last year has been extremely difficult, and due to those issues we made some very hasty, but needed changes in our lives. In doing so it has grounded us as a family. We have learned to laugh and trust more. So while there are very real problems that still lie ahead, for the first time in a long time we are taking things as a team and standing together as a family. My struggling marriage is growing again. I'm getting the chance to enjoy my husband as a friend again. For a long time it felt as if we were some kind of weird business partners or something trying to save a failing company. With the quiet passing of our anniversary, I feel like we have really accomplished something. Raising our children by our standards and values and growing together as parents, as individuals and most importantly as friends.

I find myself taking issue with everything and nothing. I am finding an odd sense of apathy growing from within that is really eating at me. Perhaps it's PMS, my MD or the fact that so much is going on with the holidays and family that this post alone has taken me almost two weeks to write this post. I had so many things to share and get off my chest that it has kind of piled up emotionally and now I have no where to start. It's OK though. I'm better than I have been in many years and while this holiday season has been really wonky at best, the dark clouds that usually hover around me at this time of year are sitting on the horizon. Still waiting to engulf me at any moment, but not threatening to swallow me whole.

I will end this haphazzard post having shared nothing, yet conveying everything I really needed to say. I wish for peace to be with you and yours. To whomever it applies, you are loved beyond measure and will always be in my thoughts, hopes and prayers for the future.