You wanna know how I really feel?

As I sit here, trying to sort things out, I realize that there are things that simply can't be avoided. I am a avid procrastinator and for the most part I try to be an ethical and decent person. I have lived my life in the open and I have no regrets for the choices that I have made. The facts of my life are sometimes sad and disturbing, but for the most part there isn't one thing that I would change. I am grateful and content that I am where I am in my life. I have my health and for the most part my sanity. I have three healthy and wonderful children. I have the companionship, friendship and love of a decent man. I am finally back where I have longed to be geographically, spiritually, mentally. The best part of all this, is that I have had the opportunity to enjoy, share and really appreciate my blessings without fear or apprehension. I have made the determined choice to revel in my moments and seek out the positive things that give me the strength to tackle my obstacles.

The last year has been extremely difficult, and due to those issues we made some very hasty, but needed changes in our lives. In doing so it has grounded us as a family. We have learned to laugh and trust more. So while there are very real problems that still lie ahead, for the first time in a long time we are taking things as a team and standing together as a family. My struggling marriage is growing again. I'm getting the chance to enjoy my husband as a friend again. For a long time it felt as if we were some kind of weird business partners or something trying to save a failing company. With the quiet passing of our anniversary, I feel like we have really accomplished something. Raising our children by our standards and values and growing together as parents, as individuals and most importantly as friends.

I find myself taking issue with everything and nothing. I am finding an odd sense of apathy growing from within that is really eating at me. Perhaps it's PMS, my MD or the fact that so much is going on with the holidays and family that this post alone has taken me almost two weeks to write this post. I had so many things to share and get off my chest that it has kind of piled up emotionally and now I have no where to start. It's OK though. I'm better than I have been in many years and while this holiday season has been really wonky at best, the dark clouds that usually hover around me at this time of year are sitting on the horizon. Still waiting to engulf me at any moment, but not threatening to swallow me whole.

I will end this haphazzard post having shared nothing, yet conveying everything I really needed to say. I wish for peace to be with you and yours. To whomever it applies, you are loved beyond measure and will always be in my thoughts, hopes and prayers for the future.

I AM SO HARDCORE... sniffle

Let me start this little diatribe with a few thank yous. Thank you God, thank you to the 3 strangers that I may never see again for your help and support and even the hug while I cried, thank you to the people who at least stopped and asked if I needed anything, thank you Wally for coming to the rescue (AGAIN), thank you to the 911 dispatcher that checked on me, thank you to the officer that responded with kindness and patience, thank you Momma, thank you Mike, Bernard and everyone at work for your understanding, thank you to 'Alex' the wrecker driver for not financially raking me over the coals and thank you Tom Tom for making time for me. Thank you all for helping me get through this morning, by sharing your strength and support helping me get through a truly horrific experience and helping me remember that no matter how bad it gets a sense of humor is crucial. Most of all, thank you all for making sure that I could get home to my kids and to my husband.

I have been trying to get back in here and blog for several days now. Well now that I am, this morning's events have superseded anything that I had originally wanted to share. I'll get back to that in a while. For now... I'm happy yet again that I where I am. SO many people that seemed to pop up out of no where to help out someone in need. It's been a long time since I have seen so many go out of their way without expectation or due to obligation.

I was in a fairly serious car accident this morning on my way to work. I was less than 2 blocks from my place of business, when while changing lanes preparing to turn into the parking lot I hit a wet spot in the road and lost control of my vehicle. I wasn't speeding. I wasn't on my cell or distracted or anything. The road was slick and my tires didn't have as much tread as they should have.

At approximately 38 MPH I signalled for a lane change, attempted to make the change and went into a spin. I let off the accelerator and did not attempt to hit the brakes. I attempted to ride out the spin hoping not to hit anyone and come to a stop, right my vehicle and continue on to the parking lot where I would sit for a bit and cry before heading into work. As the spin slowed, I went to correct my heading as I was now facing the wrong way into oncoming traffic, but I had begun to slide. I slid back across traffic, bounced up onto the curb, hit a fire hydrant forcing the driver's side door into my lap and shattering the window. The hydrant was uprooted and drug under the car and when the car did come to an abrupt stop, thanks to the help of a street light pole, I was wedged in the car between the hydrant and the light post. Thanks again to God that, for whatever the reason, the water supply to the hydrant was turned off.

My leg was pinned between the seat and the car door. The three strangers that came to my rescue and pried me out of the car. One was even kind enough to remind me how to use my cell phone and hugged me while I cried. She even waited with me until the police arrived and made sure that I was taken care of before she left. The car is toast. I called work and one of my supervisors came and helped me out. I did go into work very briefly to wait for my FIL to pick me up and to tie up some loose ends. On a good note, switching to the little gecko's insurance was not only cheaper but they are covering everything. The rest of the story is just a series of events that are bothersome and oddly enough funny, but most likely only to me.

Anyway, as we approach the end of this day. I find myself damn near exhausted, very sore and again overwhelmingly appreciative for the blessings in my life. I am spending tomorrow afternoon with some one that I have not seen in a little over 15 years. We are supposed to be involved with a 5k fun run kind of thing. I am fretful now more than ever of my physical ability to keep up. However if it really came down to it, I'd do this thing with broken glass in my sneakers just to have that time with her again. So now all I have to do is reassure the hubby that I'm OK. This should be an interesting evening.

Well I'm about tapped out, so until next time. G'night


--> Will post pics of the car later.

OK... So I caved into the pressure.

God help me... I'm a registered blogger. LoL

DISCLAIMER: Let me start by saying that I keep a personal journal offline. I enjoy journaling as it has been a path of healing and self expression that has been invaluable to my retaining anything close to a sense of sanity and/or general sense of well being. Anything posted here is strictly mine and most of the names and personal info has been slightly altered to protect those that still value their privacy or are too young to really understand what that means. While I appreciate any and all comments, please keep anything malicous to yourself, as I will only delete it. To all of the PC, arm chair English teachers, please understand I am aware that my computer has spellcheck and there are online thesaurus' and dictionarys. I write as I speak, so whether or not it is grammatically correct, politically correct, rambling, run-on or otherwise is only as important as the point I am trying to make or the story I am sharing.

OK... So we celebrated mine and my youngest child's 3rd birthday this weekend. We had family come in from out of town. My Momma, baby brother, Ian, and my oldest child's best friend, Jessica. We did not have near the amount of time with any of them that I would have liked. Truthfully it could never be enough time, but this just felt like a hit and run. Almost exactly 24 hours from start to finish. It was nice having them here. I have really missed having Jessica around the house. She is one of the most amazing kids I know, outside of my own. One of my very favorite people under the age of 20.

Anyway, right before they left today we were loading their stuff into Momma's Explorer, we noticed that there was an unusual amount of ladybugs... everywhere. Just swarms of them just flying around and crawling on everything. I have come to learn that they swarm twice a year. They are attracted to light colors and warmth. Our home is a pale blue with a darker shade of light blue trim and receives near full afternoon sun. So the two southwest facing sides of our house are covered in ladybugs.

A quick ladybug education. Yes, we are talking about the little red and black insects. They do not bite or sting. They are harmless. They are only toxic to things that would eat them. They don't eat your plants, clothing, fabric, paper or food. They don't carry any parasites and the only thing they excrete is their own blood, which is a defense mechanism and the way they put their pheromones out into the world to attract a mate. In fact, the only things they really do is help with pollination and eat the things that would eat your plants. Their only food source are aphids. A completely beneficial bug. So taking all this into consideration, while I think they are neat it's really starting to creep me out having them all over the place. The worst is combing them out of your hair. LoL

Anyway, we did have a nice visit. Way too short, but a good time. Momma took me shopping for my birthday. We hit some great sales. The girls, Kait and Jess, pulled an all nighter as usual to get the most out of their time together. Ian was as he always is. Humorous when he does speak and quiet the rest of the time. He spent most of his time playing on the Wii with Zach.

On a side note--> We have officially been in our house now for 8 weeks. It has been so different and special being here. Since moving here from southeast Houston, it has been like having a weight lifted off of my chest. The events that brought us to our move and to this place have been... well there just aren't words. While it was so unplanned and out of control, it was still very right. We were scared and unsure of everything and yet at every turn whatever obstacle was in our path, the solution presented itself almost immediately. I have wanted to move, more specifically move back to the hill country, for a very long time. For whatever the reasons it hasn't been possible until now. I'm so unbelievably appreciative to be here now at this point in my life. With my children and husband.

I shared this with a friend recently, this is the first time in my life where I am really getting the chance to appreciate the blessings in my life. It used to be that my pessimism would take over right about now and I would be waiting for the next trauma to hit. Slowly devolving into the downward spiral of one of my lows. Manic depression is a bitch. So while things aren't always going to be ideal, I'm dealing with it very well right now. I can't wait for Christmas to get here!!

Most people think of New Year's as the time for renewal and reflection in their lives. Out with the old and in with the new. For me it really is the whole holiday season. The time spent with family and friends, honoring old and making new traditions. The whole thing. This whole year has been both misery and bliss. I'm thankful that I have this new chapter in my life and it begins with so many happy blessings and extraordinary gifts and that the people in my life and those that have come back into my life are here to share them with me.

I can not stress this enough... it is good to be home.